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I hope Kev didn't right that whole thing

PAPA ROACH Vocalist Disappointed With New Album's Success; Blames Lack Of Promotion, Online Community - Nov. 16, 2006

Launch Radio Networks reports: PAPA ROACH vocalist Jacoby Shaddix reports that he and the band are extremely disappointed with the success of their lastest album, "The Paramour Sessions", which hit stores in early September. The nu-metal band from Sacramento credits the album's shortcoming to poor promotion, as well as the negative attitude perceived on their online forum.

"We, like, Geffen told us that the album was going to be huge and we didn't, like, need a lot of promotion, you know?" claims Shaddix, who was wearing lipstick during the interview. "Our marketing agent, Chris McGaffney, told us that 'To Be Loved' was going to be so big when it hit TV that we wouldn't need anything else."

The song has since been added as the theme song to WWE: Raw shown on various sports networks such as The Score, but nothing else in particular. Our team took to the streets to find out.

Dan Williams, 17, said "Papa Roach? I remember the song 'Last Resort' from ages ago. I didn't think they had any new songs, but I did hear their singer was working with Good Charlotte? I guess it didn't go through, though."

Charlotte Griffin, 20, said "Ohh yeah I know them. They sing 'Dance, Dance' right?"

Henry Stafford, 41, said "I know the band. My son loved them, he was even in their video. He was the guy working out in Last Resort, did you see him? Anyway, he doesn't like the band anymore. I'm not sure why, he just left his room one day and said 'fuck it.' I went in and a song called 'Stop Looking, Start Seeing' was paused around the halfway point. Blood was all over the walls, and his windows were smashed. He since left for the army and I've never spoken to him again."

Shaddix also credits their online forum with the lack of success.

"The people there, they like, they just like to hate," said Shaddix. "They shit on our music left and right, no wonder we can't get a break. Outsiders looking in aren't going to want to check it out."

"They're extremely negative," said guitarist Jerry Horton. "A board member whose name I will not release is always taking shots at us, especially me. He makes rude comments about my car and my wife, the fucking kid can't even speak English."

"There's only guy I like," said bassist Tobin Esperance, who has been secretly touring with other, better, bands such as In Flames, Soilwork, and At The Gates, and stealing notes from others such as Green Day and System Of A Down. "He knows the score, he's some Mexican always trash talking us. Him and some Canadian fellow are the only ones with some sense. Papa Roach fucking sucks. I wish they would - wait a minute, are you writing that? You fucking prick. Stop it!"

"But surely, it's apart of the interview-"

"Man, if they hear what I've been saying-"

"Toby?" exclaimed Shaddix from the other room.

Esperance turns around. "Um, yes Pookie, I'll be with you in a-"

"What the fuck, Tobe." said Shaddix. "What's this mean? Did that trip to Cali mean nothing?"

"Pooks don't say that, I-" Tobin begins to cry.

"You ARE FUCKING DEAD ADIR" screams Horton in the background, who is wildly beating a keyboard off the computer monitor. "IT'S - NOT - MY - FUCKING - FAULT - SHE - HAS - HIV".

"WE DID THAT FOR NOTHING?" screams Shaddix.

"IT WASN'T NOTHING COBY. IT WASN'T-"

"THEN WHAT WAS IT?"

"YOU KNOW WHAT COBY? I QUIT. I FUCKING QUIT. FUCK YOU AND YOUR BULLSHIT BAND."

"FINE, WE DON'T NEED YOU ANYWAY."

"YOU DON'T NEED ME? I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO WRITES THE FUCKING SONGS!"

"Oh fuck you, Tobin." is heard from the other room. Jerry and Dave enter with Chuck Norris and a shovel.

"Fuck me?"

"Yeah, fuck you. You think you're so much better than us, don't you?"

"Well...." Tobin begins to get frightened.

"PIMPIN RIDES AND COKE IN MY NOSE!" interrupts Chuck Norris. He jumps off a chair and hits Tobin wildly over the head with a shovel! It's mayhem!









*Silence*

All four members of Papa Roach are dead on the floor, and Chuck Norris has mysteriously disappeared. I sit back in my chair.

"The Paramour Sessions can be found at your local music store. Stayed tuned, 'How I Met Your Mother' is next."